here's to the night

so this is it.

2009 has been a wonder filled year. i've have so much fun and been on so many adventures with my friends. here's just a list of things i've done this year (some milestones too):

acceptances to colleges
enrolling in Boston University
first trip to Disney World (class trip)
graduation from Westford Academy
Westford vbs and Cbcgl vbs
adventures with avery in California
adventures in Nyc with my girls
moving in to Rich Hall
making new friends

i'm sad this year is over, but i'm excited for the next year. so now i'm going to run and watch the count down.

we're moving on to 2010.

the begining is always a great place to start

when did break become so boring? i mean i've loved hanging out with my friends and seeing old faces again, but there is something missing. Christmas just passed by so quickly, I don't feel like i really celebrated Jesus' birth... life at home has become kind of meaningless. today i spent about 5 hours (plus) watching gilmore girls because esther left her sixth and seventh seasons at my house. the days before i've been catching up on 24 (i'm planning to watch all the seasons starting from the begining). i dunno, but i feel like i don't want to do anything. i have no motivation. i don't want to go back to school, but i don't want to stay at home, and i'm too lazy to go out...i feel completely dead. i feel like i've wasted a lifetime away...but it has only been 5 days. 5 days of vacation has gone by. i suppose by now i need some direction. i'm not exactly sure what to do. maybe i should prepare for next semester. but what do i prepare? my sister is going off to Urbana tomorrow morning...life at home will be less interesting. But i'm happy for her. I wish I could go as well, but it's alright. I always have senior year. I do not know why, but for some reason, I am dreading 2010. I am dreading growing older and moving on. I don't want to move on.

dear friends

dear friends,

today is quite a special day. as some of you may not know, i've been taking finals for some few days now, and it has been quite overwhelming! anyhow, this day, i have finished all my finals and i feel free (wheeeeeee!). and this day, i also went shopping with my friend carol. we planned not to spend lost of money, but i could not help myself when i saw these adorable blue booties. well, they are not really booties. they are just boots. however, i may decide to return them once my mom disapproves OR if i find something better OR if i cannot find a job (that day will be so so sad).

so not only is today the day i finished finals and experienced the wonders of newbury street, it is also my best friend AVERY HSIUNG'S 17TH BIRTHDAY. [chorus chimes in: happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to avery, happy birthday to YOU!] yay! i am so happy for her because she is finally growing up. yes, shes no longer a child. well, she will be forever a child at heart. but that is besides the point. okay, new point. i love love avery. she has been a very good friend to me for the past few years that i've gotten to know her. she is one of my closest girl friends and i feel comfortable telling her almost anything. i wish we were not separated by a whole 48 states, but i know that even when we're so far apart, we're really still with each other. she is sweet and funny. and she is beautiful. and one day, i really hope that she comes to school in boston, but if she doesn't, it is alright. i shall forgive her. it is not her fault. it is cheaper to study in the state you live in if you go to a public school.

my writings are over. i'm all finished. the end. sincerely, jess

p.s. dear avery, i miss you dearly and i love you superly much! i hope you have a wonderful holiday season and a wonderful birthday! please visit soon, or i shall come and kidnap you (with permission from your parents, of course!).

don't hang around - fight another day

this time is passing by so quickly; its already the end of first semester and finals are almost over. it seems quite silly that i don't have anymore classes to go to and i can wake up whenever i want (as long as i make my final).

i was walking and talking with a couple of girlfriends and they brought up just how everything is changing around us but really, many things are the same. the things we can count on are constant. and it makes sense. our Father, He sure is constant. everything we do, we don't realize that we're really not alone, we're not doing it on our own. when we're worried sick about a final, it is quite disappointing and discouraging - even insulting to our Father. why are we doubting His ability - why are we fearing? WHAT IS THERE TO FEAR? He really is there, He's making sure we're where we need to be and He takes care of us. Where has our confidence gone?

i think my actions and my words have made it clear that i am terrified of the dark. but why? it's all those movies and stories about "darkness" and how scary it is. you turn a dark corner and some rapist jumps out - or you go into the bathroom and lock the door, and when you turn around, someone is waiting for you - or you're the target and everyone out there is out there to get YOU. but why? WHY YOU? its really silly, but at the same time, really logical. duh, no college student should be walking alone at midnight in a city. he/she is completely vulnerable and STUPID.

i think i am the smart college student who makes sure she has an escort 24/7 but i am also the stupid Christian who is fearing all the time. even though i hate to admit it sometimes, i think i've lost/losten/loose-en? sight of God. not in everything though. i seem to see Him at church and at fellowship, but if fellowship is bad, then He's not there. if he sermon is boring, He's not there. and even though i try to seek Him out everyday, i fail at it horribly. because maybe deep deep inside of me, i do not care. which is why i fail at acting like i care. OR maybe deep deep inside of me, i really care but i cannot find the care because it is too deep down. can you tell the difference between these two? i cannot. i get really confused. but i know its one or the other. and i think i am hoping it is the second one. that my care for God is so deep down i'm still trying to dig it up and seek Him out. because then in the end, it would be rewarding.

so i cannot remember what i started talking about in this post, but i know i was talking about fear? maybe. so because my care is so deep down, i guess i am fearful on the surface because i haven't reached that point with God yet. i haven't really trusted in Him with all my heart; just part of my heart. so then, lets try to dig deep down and find the treasure! it sounds much easier than it really is. oh well. Christmas is coming up soon. in exactly eight days. and one of my best friends, her birthday is tomorrow. so don't be too surprised to find a post about her tomorrow :)

love love love love

love the Lord your God with all your heart
and all your soul and all your mind
and love all of mankind as you would love yourself

LO-O-O-OVE the Lord your GO-O-O-OD
with all your HEAR-R-R-RT
and all your SOUL
and all your MIND
and love all MANKIND

we've got Christian lives to live
we've got Jesus' love to give
we've got nothing to hide

because in Him we abide LOVE

"thats it." - christine yun

the end.

p.s. this is my favorite song to get stuck in my head.

spinning out of control

what is going on?! the past week has been CRAZY and this week doesn't look much better. here goes another calendar type schedule things (its just easier to show than tell):

Sunday 6th
10:30 went to highrock in the morning (so far so normal)
1:00 lunch with highrock kids (good)
2:00 - 9:00 studied (unsuccessfully) at friends' apartment
9:00 KRUP info session (this spring break I am thinking of going to New Orleans for Katrina Relief Urban Plunge
10:00 - 1:00 more studying not really)

Monday 7th
i forget exactly what happened this day...but i didn't get much progress with two papers

Tuesday 8th
skipped calc class
meeting with moses
stayed up til 5:40am writing papers

Wednesday 9th
Last AACF Freshman small group - Christmas party
stayed up til 5:00 writing papers

Thursday 10th
skipped calc class
stayed up til 4:50 writing papers

Friday 11th
breakfast w/Jennifer at 8:30am at Bruggers
skipped 2 classes to watch New Moon with Jennifer (got free frozen yogurt)
meeting with will & carol
Mustard Seed concert
Intervarsity Christmas party
stayed up til 4:00 eating ramen with friend (christine yun).

Saturday 12th
woke up at 3:00
went to bed at 4:00 (watching theUGLYtruth with yun)

and today, i was getting ready for church when i locked myself out for 30 minutes. that was just great. when i got spare keys, i only had 10 minutes to get ready. but so far, this day has been good. i had a blackberry-banana-chocolate chip crepe for lunch and a hawaiian pizza! then i watched two more episodes of 24. and i took some notes for finals.

oh yeah..i have finals this week. wednesday, thursday, and friday. wish me luck i guess. for some reason i'm just not worried about them. i suppose i will get worried once i start preparing for finals. but it all just seems too far away. three more days. thats a good enough amount of time.

anywyas, i cannot wait til i go shopping (& Christmas shopping) on friday/saturday/sunday. no worris, everything will turn out alright. (alright - alright - alright - alright - alriiiiiiiiight).

almost over

this week has really been something. it went by so quickly, but so many things happened! and it was just overall really good :) here's a brief glimpse into my week:

11/29
panick attack because i could hardly breathe, my face was bright red, my fingers were purple

11/30
skipped a class because mom told me to (first time in my life!)
doctors told me i have an allergy - there these things up your nose and in normal/healthy people they are pink, in sick people they are red, in mine, THEY ARE BLUE!

12/1
forgot to wake up and MISSED ANOTHER CLASS!!

12/2
watched rear window by hitchcock - FREAKED ME OUT! its okay, good movie.
stew wednesday = free stew :)

12/3
calc teacher was 30 minutes late for an 8am class, i left after 20 minutes and had to go back.
aacf large group and moses's lesson - he is sooo freaking funny!

12/4
MISSED ANOTHER CLASS - I'M DOOMED!
almost-ice skating with intervarsity and voyage to SUPER 88!
innocent friends arrested for "pooping on basketball court"
watched penelope (so cute)

12/5
treck to and back from coolidge corner in freezing rain

THE END.

p.s. ONE MORE WEEK OF CLASSES!!

His Love Endures Forever

I'm having roommate troubles right now and papers are getting a bit annoying, but despite all these things, God is there and His Love endures forever.

I suppose to get my mind off of my troubles, I shall tell about my Thanksgiving break.

Thanksgiving break was just amazing. It felt so nice to be back at home for such a long period of time! And although I did not do much work, I feel satisfied. I realized that there are so many things that I am thankful for. And some days when I'm feeling completely abandoned and lonely and broken, I really do not have to feel that way. God has blessed me with so much and He continues to bless me everyday. He has given me a loving family and wonderful friends. And I believe that I take many of these things for granted. I hope that He will teach me to be more appreciative for the things I have and for the people I have.

Umm, I'm trying my best to stay calm, but I really really dislike my roommate with a passion. And I don't know what to do...

its almost time to give thanks

sometimes my loneliest moments are when i am surrounded by people

i have learned something really important since i've arrived at the university: first impressions are very important and they're deceiving. everyone is always talking about this new person he or she just met and how nice they are. but really, are they? how can you judge someone you just met? you don't know ANYTHING about them. and yeah, the way people present themselves can tell us things about their personality, but still. you don't really know someone until you know them...and their dirt. yeah. i hate that part.

i feel like i'm wasting my time with some people who don't want to waste their time on me.

trick or treat for unicef?

hello,

so this year for Halloween, i went trick-or-treating. it was my first time ever. in the past, my church had fall harvest festivals and i loved going to them. about three plus year ago, i caught 11 fish when i played the "how many fish can you catch with a paper net in 1 minute" game. i loved them all and i tried my best, as an amateur, to care for them all. unfortunately, 8 of my 11 fish died. then i learned how to care for them the right way. anyways, my point is that i loved the harvest festival. and i love my fish.

instead of trick-or-treating, i candy-swapped with my neighbors. mom took my to the store to choose my favorite candies to pack in Halloween baggies. then i would walk around my circle and receive 7 bags of candy in return. that was lots of fun :)

i never really participated in trick-or-treating because i grew up in a Christian family and we did not celebrate Halloween. also, my mom did not encourage it. but i did not mind. i was scared of the dark anyhow.

this year i decided to join in the fun with my fellowship. i still do not celebrate Halloween but i use this holiday as an opportunity to have fun while collecting change for children in need.

guess what i dressed up as? a robber :) i was all black!! and i had a robber sac for all the things i stole. but i really didn't steal anything. i took nothing without permission! so we went to newton. it was nice, but it was dark. i felt kind of silly because i was supposed to be a sneaky robber but i was scared to death when i was walking around in the dark. (which is really the perfect cover for me). my friend zeewei dressed up as a freaking ZOMBIE. scare me to death. he looked like the joker. but for some reason i felt safe standing next to him. haha. maybe cuz i knew he would scare some people away for me. (EVEN THOUGH I'M A ROBBER!)

yeah so successful night :)
we had some food at super 88 and then went to someone's apartment to watch a scary movie. it was very very scary. but the whole time i kept telling myself: "this is not real, this is not real", when the movie is based on a true story...haha

umm, i don't know how to explain how i feel spiritually right now, but i really like this:

All I gotta do is hold on tight
There is hope for me yet.
Because God wont forget
All the plans He's made for me
I have to wait and see
He's not finished with me yet.

i feel like i know what i need to do to get what i want...well, that sounds silly of me. what i mean is, i'm yearning for something, and i know i will only finally be completely 100% satisfied when i turn to God and let him guide me. and to start off, i need to confess, repent, and start anew. and i know He's waiting for me. so i'm going to try my best to turn back to Him and begin to get to know Him better.

and one more thing, i am very satisfied being here at BU. and i hope that does not change.

strangers

today for missional core, Will had us pair up with someone we felt comfortable sharing stuff with and just talking about topics with. so i chose the girl next to me. i know her, we're friends, but i don't know how comfortable i really am with sharing all my information with her. anyways, we got a list of survey questions:

1. what are the world's greatest problems? how can we fix them?
2. what is your perception of Christianity?
3. do you think God cares about your issues/struggles?
4. why not wait to have sex after marriage?
5. what brings you joy?
6. are you happy with your life right now?
7. when i say Jesus, what do you think of?

so obviously these questions were for us to talk about with a stranger/non-Christian. Will wanted us to find random people on the street to interview. well, i called my non-christian friend and talked to her. it was really good. we talked for a good 45 minutes when we were only supposed to talk for 20 minutes (oops).

i loved talking about this stuff. its so interesting to see things from a different perspective. especially from a non-Christian's perspective. everything MAKES SENSE. its almost like we're the ones that don't make sense. if that makes sense..? anyways, i hope that i can bring my friend to Christ because that would be really amazing. that would be one prayer answered, and one big step forward in reaching out to the community. i am really excited this year. i feel like we're going to do something good. God is leading us to change our campus.

p.s. la la la la, biking is really fun. let's go biking okay?

we care

so today i went to cradles to crayons with some people from my fellowship (aacf). basically my group went to sort out shoes. we cleaned them up, decided which ones to keep/throw out/donate, and shelved them :) it was really fun and in about an hour and a half, the eight of us finished sorting over 120 pairs of shoes. the other group went to work toys - cleaning them and making packages.

i was amazed by just how much stuff the warehouse had gathered and received in donations. for example, reebok donated a good 40 something pairs of brand new sneakers. the shelves were PACKED with bags of clothes and random stuff. anyways, so as we were working, our leader told us about some children who couldn't go to school for a week because their shoes were so broken down. it was comforting to know that all the shoes we sorted through would eventually help these kids in need. its also uplifting to see just how many people in Massachusetts really care and want to help out. you can be one of them too!

what am i so afraid of

You love him so
You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe
He will never die
But how then will he know
What he has never heard?
He has never seen mirrored in my life

Praise You With The Dance

today i was blasting Casting Crowns and playing tetris when my roommate walked in...

seventy-seven times

please just tell me what

Here I Go Again

who's in control of your life?

ha ha ha ha ha

made you laugh :P

lets get fit

hey everyone!
so let me just say that college life at Boston University definitely has its ups and downs. like everything is so convenient here. and its just the right distance away from home. but then again the campus is like 2-3 miles long and i have to walk up 5 flights of stairs to get to my classes. but despite the bad, i love it here. really!

i guess i want to share an embarrassing story with you (for those of you who know me well, you know i am an embarrassing moment magnet). well, here goes nothing. feel free to read and laugh aloud (like LOL).

so a few days ago, i was hanging out with my friends. we were at an ice cream social for the college of arts and science, but i snuck in because i am sneaky. then i called my other friend to hang out. he said that he was taking a run and would meet me at the fitness and recreation center. i was delighted since i had never seen the fit-rec before and i really wanted to explore the area. he told me he would be on the third floor exercising and asked me to hang on to his phone and give it back when we met up at fit-rec. and of course i agreed! i love doing favors for my friends. any how, the fit-rec proved to be a more complex building that i had imagined.

now envision me: small asian girl, nice sandals, skinny jeans, pretty pink fluffy top, and a brown handbag. (try your best here, i don't have an actual picture).

okay so i walk into fit-rec where EVERYONE is dressed to exercise and body build. and i go to swipe in my card...but the area where i thought i could swipe in had arrows pointing towards me (OUTWARD). so i went to the front desk and said: "hi, i'm trying to get into the fitness center". the front desk people knew off the bat that i was not really coming to exercise. so i went to sign a waiver form and then i was admitted into the center. (phewph! not too difficult).

so i go to the elevator and press third floor thinking, this is no problem. piece of cake right? wrong.

the door opens to an indoor track. yes. that is it. i walk out and i'm on the track. umm, so where are the weight lifting machines and the sweaty buff guys? definitely not here! in my mind, i devised an expert plan. i will walk around the track and see if i can spot my friend. however, my plan back fires when everyone turns to look at me, the girl with the nice fluffy shirt. i felt completely humiliated! and to make things worse, i could not turn around on the track because everyone was running in one direction. so i had to complete one full lap around the indoor track and watch people watch me.

then i decided maybe he meant the 2nd floor. or the 1st floor. so i get back on the elevator and press the first floor button and the second floor button. when the door opens for the second floor, i stay on and wait for first floor. then i realize that the first floor is wrong so i stay on again and go back to the second floor...and the people who saw me go down, watched me come back up again. oh my goodness.

so now envision me again but with sweat on my forehead and super duper red cheeks. (thanks, but get rid of that image as soon as you're finished reading).

so i decide to go back to my dorm room. and i do. but i still have my friend's phone. anyways, he called his phone with his roommate's phone. and we decided to meet up at the entrance to the fit-rec. he told me to call his friend's number when i arrived. great plan right? everything will work out. WRONG.

his phone has a lock. so i could not find his roommate's number and i again had no way to contact him. but i still entered the fit-rec once more. and sat on a bench. waiting and waiting. hoping that he would come down soon. but no. i was wrong. so again, i swipe my card and go in. and i'm am utterly confused. where should i go? up the stairs? up the elevator? down the elevator? i basically just stood at the bottom of the stairs and prayed that nobody was watching me.

okay thats my story. sorry, bad ending. my friend found me. and thats basically it. i just vow never to enter the fit-rec center again in my whole entire life. but of couse, i will break that vow someday when i am not going alone and i feel the need to exercise on machines.

thank you for reading. so when you get embarrassed, you can think of my story. haha.

please, grow up

send me on my way.

sunrise

all you need is a sunrise

i believe

walked blindly to the light
and reached out for his hand
don't ask any questions and don't try to understand
open your mind and then open up your heart
and you will see that you and me are very far apart

i believe that love is the answer
i believe that love will find a way

violence is spread worldwide and there's families on the street
we sell drugs to children now oh why can't we just see
that all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
money is our incentive now so that makes it okay

i believe that love is the answer
i believe that love will find a way

Trust You

you know what my favorite part of reading people's blog posts is? i literally hear them saying what they wrote. and its really cool. and some people's voices i love hearing, so reading their blog posts makes my day.

i've realized that the past month has been just crazy. and i've also been straying away from God. i guess in all the chaos, i forgot to look to Him. even though Lent is now over and i was able to refrain from playing computer games for 47 days, i don't feel like i've taken anything away from it. i didn't read my Bible more, i didn't spend more time with God. i've actually stopped reading my Bible and i've been relying on myself. no wonder the past month was so...bumpy. (like turbulence!)

but then recently [a few days ago] i started really listening to revive, brandon heath, etc. and something really hit me. the lyrics. i listened to trust you over and over again and the more i listened to it, the more i really heard. everything in the song is so true. i love being the pilot of my own life and planning out everything that will happen. i need to know whats next or else i feel lost, confused, abandoned. but that doesn't exactly make sense. because how can i feel abandoned by God if He isn't directing me? obviously i should feel lost and confused because i have no clue what i'm doing! and its really silly of me. because God really gave His all for me (for all of us) and why souldn't we trust Him? why should we go our own way? He's there for us and He wants to help us but we're so ignorant and blind and stuck up. Theres no reason why we shouldn't trust Him with our lives.

its really difficult but He's there for us.

relax, take it easy

these are just some things on my mind:

1. so i guess i'm eighteen but i don't feel any different
2. the trees across the street have been CHOPPED DOWN! what will the chipmunks do?
3. today at the bus stop, i felt naked and exposed because the trees are gone. and all the old people buildings are right there.
4. skipping a day of school for the Gordon College accepted students day really screwed me over
5. but i did meet two nice people.
6. mosquitoes are coming soon
7. i'm dreading tomorrow but excited for the weekend
8. i'm dreading AP tests even though i only have one to take.
9. stats is making me go crazy
10. good will hunting is such a good movie. (maybe even better than how to lose a guy in 10 days)
11. woahhh mexico. it sounds so sweet.... (Mexico - James Taylor)
12. i cannot wait for disney
13. yesterday i had my favorite cake: chocolate mousse cheesecake from the cheesecake factory
14. friday will be a very very good day
15. im going to change the fish water now.

ougrutchenjorb. (ooo-gruk-en-horb)

its too difficult to stop smoking

so lent has started. it started on wednesday and i went to prayer meeting for the first time in ages. it was an overall fun time. but for some reason, i feel like i can never get out exactly what i want to say during prayer meetings. and its quite painful.

for the next 37 days, i will "kiss gaming goodbye". hopefully doing so will finally help bring my focus back to God. every new year, i try to make resolutions that are seemingly easy so that at the end of the year i feel like i've accomplished something. this year my resolution was to write in my prayer journal every night no matter what happens, no matter where i am, no matter who i am with, etc. i did not realize to what extent gaming had pulled me away from God until a few days ago. the last time i wrote in my prayer journal was a month ago and thats embarrassing. because that basically meant that I HAD NOT PRAYED TO GOD FOR A WHOLE MONTH. also, my grades at school have been dropping because this gap between me and God the size of an ocean was growing and school no longer is a priority for me.

i know that gaming hurt my relationship with God and was taking over my life because i have now given it up. and everyday it is PAINFUL for me to sit in front of my computer to check my email and check facebook. its PAINFUL to have to go write my my prayer journal. its PAINFUL for me to do my homework first when i get home from school. in a way i feel empty because playing games fulfilled my satisfaction. there was a sense of competition while playing at iminlikewithyou.com. competition is everything. BUT ITS NOT.

so i guess i'm saying gaming was my addiction. and now i'm trying to stop gaming. and its really difficult. now i know why its so hard for smokers to stop smoking.

broken inside and out

abundance of knowledge hurts just as lack of knowledge hurts.

lets bring back the past

today i found my old collection of baseball cards and basketball cards, etc. they're beautiful and dusty.