so lyf retreat...i'd rather not say too much. however, i do want to say sorry for being so selfish.
this past weekend, i felt empty and lonely. i wanted to reach out and bond with the younger girls but the emotions over took me. i suppose i was afraid that my last year at lyf retreat would be horrible and nothing would happen. so instead of turning to God, i ran away to please my own desires - to MAKE my own lyf retreat experience good. and it actually worked...i was happy for a while. but then i realized that this is not what God wanted me to do. instead of spending time with the younger girls and my accountability group, i spent time with other people doing things we could have done back at home.
sunday night, things seemed to fall apart and it hit me that my accountability group was not close at all! i regret not spending more time with my girls because we really needed to. right now, i just feel crappy about lots of things. but one thing i feel good about is the reflection time. this whole weekend, i had a ton of things bundled up inside myself. and i wanted to let them out. but i couldn't. and you know, i still can't let everything out. mostly because i feel like people won't understand me. anyways, monday morning i tried to get out what i've wanted to get out for a long time. but still, i couldn't find the words...and i'm still trying to find the words and find a way to get out my thoughts.
one thing i learned is that if you bundle up all your feelings and don't let them out, it can take an eternity to get them all out. i feel like even if i have all the time in the world, i will still be unable to let everything out. which is why we need to turn to God. He can take away some of our burdens and He is always there for us.
You make everything good
Everything wonderful
You grace my days
And heaven fills my view
Let's forever sing
You make everything pure
Everything beautiful
You make me see the only
thing that's true
It's you
"You" - Jaci Velasquez
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
chuh chuh chuh CHANGES
i'm really confused right now. about lots of things. but primarily college stuff: application essays and sats. i have this horrible fear that i will NOT get into any of the colleges i apply to. and i have this horrible fear that i will fail school this term. anyways, i hope my fears do not come true, in any way. because that would be a nightmare.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
life in the wilderness
one afternoon, approximately the 14th hour, i came to realize that i was stranded in the wilderness. no place to go, no one to turn to, LOST.
it was a bright sunny day but i was still cold. the wind tore at my skin and my arm hairs stood erect. yes i had a light track jacket in my hands, but the effort and energy i would waste trying to wrap myself warmly in its cover was not worth it. after descending slowly off the rolling thing, i strode slowly and calmly to the beginning of an adventure. my first action was to dial to my birth parent. perhaps she had left the latch unhooked? she had not. my second action involved seeing a sparkle in the pane and wondering, perhaps the working boy had come home early? but no. it was just the reflection of the sunlight.
so it was true. i was alone. alas, i decided to find someplace to rest. perhaps a tree stump? or a steady boulder? there were no stumps or boulders in the vicinity but there was this strange rock-like structure. it had cracks throughout but when i cautiously stepped up, it was as sturdy as a statue. you know, it may as well have been a statue - a solid, grey, thin, and long statue. it was extended from the the motionless giant who stood tall and proud. the giant's complexion was fading, but it's features were attractive. i was intrigued by the openings, although they were not really openings. they were pane - transparent, smooth surfaces. they allowed me to see inside but i had no way of going inside. i felt as if the wilderness had trapped me. so much space, yet no place to go.
for a good, even amount of time, i stood watching nature. my ears perked up at the sound of birds chirping, chipmunks chipping, and wind blowing through the leaves of the forrest trees. i stood in awe and wondered what other life was here? beside me, a gentle blue friend flew by and landed soundlessly on the side of the giant. it's wings were transparent and its head was black. the body, a sold, thin, glimmering strip. ignoring my fear of insects, i watched the creature, also motionless. slowly turning to examine more of nature's fine creations, i spotted a young mouse-like critter. it was furry and had a thin tail. the fur on it's back was a soft brown color and had an interesting strip of white and black intersecting the sea of brown. it sat quietly watching me. i had this deep fear creep up from the deapths of my heart - will it attack me? will the bite hurt? surely this rodent would not do any harm, it is so small.
-k i'm not sure if i will finish this. and yes, this happened to me today. no joke.
it was a bright sunny day but i was still cold. the wind tore at my skin and my arm hairs stood erect. yes i had a light track jacket in my hands, but the effort and energy i would waste trying to wrap myself warmly in its cover was not worth it. after descending slowly off the rolling thing, i strode slowly and calmly to the beginning of an adventure. my first action was to dial to my birth parent. perhaps she had left the latch unhooked? she had not. my second action involved seeing a sparkle in the pane and wondering, perhaps the working boy had come home early? but no. it was just the reflection of the sunlight.
so it was true. i was alone. alas, i decided to find someplace to rest. perhaps a tree stump? or a steady boulder? there were no stumps or boulders in the vicinity but there was this strange rock-like structure. it had cracks throughout but when i cautiously stepped up, it was as sturdy as a statue. you know, it may as well have been a statue - a solid, grey, thin, and long statue. it was extended from the the motionless giant who stood tall and proud. the giant's complexion was fading, but it's features were attractive. i was intrigued by the openings, although they were not really openings. they were pane - transparent, smooth surfaces. they allowed me to see inside but i had no way of going inside. i felt as if the wilderness had trapped me. so much space, yet no place to go.
for a good, even amount of time, i stood watching nature. my ears perked up at the sound of birds chirping, chipmunks chipping, and wind blowing through the leaves of the forrest trees. i stood in awe and wondered what other life was here? beside me, a gentle blue friend flew by and landed soundlessly on the side of the giant. it's wings were transparent and its head was black. the body, a sold, thin, glimmering strip. ignoring my fear of insects, i watched the creature, also motionless. slowly turning to examine more of nature's fine creations, i spotted a young mouse-like critter. it was furry and had a thin tail. the fur on it's back was a soft brown color and had an interesting strip of white and black intersecting the sea of brown. it sat quietly watching me. i had this deep fear creep up from the deapths of my heart - will it attack me? will the bite hurt? surely this rodent would not do any harm, it is so small.
-k i'm not sure if i will finish this. and yes, this happened to me today. no joke.
Monday, August 25, 2008
August
i love august because:
1.august rush
2.i love writing the letters in the word august
3.the season is just right
but august is also:
1.the end of my summer
2.the beginning of my school year
3.busy
i just returned home from new york yesterday. it was really fun because i've actually never been to new york city in my life. i've seen the statue of liberty and i've been to flushing, but not the actual new york city empire state building times square central park. it was really interesting, walking around new york. i felt like i was in boston most of the time. but the thing i loved most was how at night times square was still really crowded and fun. there were venders all over the place. the smell of smoke and sausages and honey roasted nuts, mmm. new york also reminded me of taiwan and that was nice.
so school starts wednesday for me. i guess this year will be much harder than all my previous years because i love slacking off, which is what i'd been doing in the past. but this year i'm taking harder classes and theres sat and college apps to worry about. aside from those important things, i'm worried about my schedule. i'm always afraid that i'll be in a class with nobody i know. and that seems impossible sometimes but some of my friends chose not to take challenging classes so i end up seeing them rarely. OR we have different lunches and gym periods and stuff like that. so i hope that i can find people i know soon and whatever. another thing is, my mother is forcing me to take the bus this year. now i wasn't that worried about it until recently because i just remembered how i'll be the only senior on my bus (which is embarrassing) and also i hate having to catch the bus at the end of the day. its so stressful and i feel really constrained. anyways, its not totally my mom's fault because i don't have my license yet so theres no way i can drive to school anyways. i just wish people lived closer to me so we could carpool. but whatever. its my last year of high school...hopefully. (haha just kidding).
1.august rush
2.i love writing the letters in the word august
3.the season is just right
but august is also:
1.the end of my summer
2.the beginning of my school year
3.busy
i just returned home from new york yesterday. it was really fun because i've actually never been to new york city in my life. i've seen the statue of liberty and i've been to flushing, but not the actual new york city empire state building times square central park. it was really interesting, walking around new york. i felt like i was in boston most of the time. but the thing i loved most was how at night times square was still really crowded and fun. there were venders all over the place. the smell of smoke and sausages and honey roasted nuts, mmm. new york also reminded me of taiwan and that was nice.
so school starts wednesday for me. i guess this year will be much harder than all my previous years because i love slacking off, which is what i'd been doing in the past. but this year i'm taking harder classes and theres sat and college apps to worry about. aside from those important things, i'm worried about my schedule. i'm always afraid that i'll be in a class with nobody i know. and that seems impossible sometimes but some of my friends chose not to take challenging classes so i end up seeing them rarely. OR we have different lunches and gym periods and stuff like that. so i hope that i can find people i know soon and whatever. another thing is, my mother is forcing me to take the bus this year. now i wasn't that worried about it until recently because i just remembered how i'll be the only senior on my bus (which is embarrassing) and also i hate having to catch the bus at the end of the day. its so stressful and i feel really constrained. anyways, its not totally my mom's fault because i don't have my license yet so theres no way i can drive to school anyways. i just wish people lived closer to me so we could carpool. but whatever. its my last year of high school...hopefully. (haha just kidding).
Sunday, August 10, 2008
hola blogger world!! (i must admit, i sort of like spanish now...)
okay so i returned from Costa Rica about a week ago and i miss it a lot, mainly the people there. i also have to say it was better than what i thought. yes, i had high expectations and i was disappointed by some things, but the overall trip was amazing. God gave me exactly what i needed, not what i wanted. so praise God!!
also, VBS is coming up! well, it starts tomorrow and i'm really excited :) okay sure i don't love my classroom assignment so much but thats not the point right?! i'm sure i'll love all my kids and i'll love hanging out with them and dragging them everywhere.
okay so i returned from Costa Rica about a week ago and i miss it a lot, mainly the people there. i also have to say it was better than what i thought. yes, i had high expectations and i was disappointed by some things, but the overall trip was amazing. God gave me exactly what i needed, not what i wanted. so praise God!!
also, VBS is coming up! well, it starts tomorrow and i'm really excited :) okay sure i don't love my classroom assignment so much but thats not the point right?! i'm sure i'll love all my kids and i'll love hanging out with them and dragging them everywhere.
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