badaboom!

hiii :)

[note: if you are in a hurry or expecting an interesting post, then STOP READING NOW]

okay so this past week has been pretty good i guess. i think i'm falling into a .... trap again. not just any trap. but the time-has-stopped trap. the life-goes-on-and-on trap. the routine schedule trap. of course, a routine schedule is NOT a bad thing. it is very beneficial for some people. people who like to be organized, people who have trouble staying organized .... umm ....

so i believe the last time something exciting, filled with emotion, extraordinary happened .... was a little bit ago. i won't say exactly what it was. but i believe the exciting thing started a month or two ago and ended abruptly this past week. suddenly i feel burdened again by sats and tests and projects and grades and school and track and crap. lots and lots of crap. i've been so busy with crap that i totally forgot to watch my FAVORITE tv show this week. i missed wildfire and i didn't even realize it until tuesday night :( its on every monday night at 9pm - if you'd like to see it.

so i am NOT depressed or anything. i know when i am depressed. i'm simply bored of life. also .... i'm sorta pissed off at some of my school friends. or really, theres just two. and they get on my nerves so much. i try to be .... good, but i can't. for instance, today i was super nice to this individual and then all of a sudden this individual does something soooo silly, so stupid, so random it just makes me mad. and its actually my fault for being mad because shes being totally normal and i'm just really paranoid of everything.

truthfully, i'm sort of a bad friend. [sorry friends]. i realized how self-centered i was/am and that makes me mad because i really hate being self-centered. but i am. and i think its from my dad. [i KNOW its from my dad]

oh yeah so i'm trying to do what pastor mac talked about on sunday. i'm trying to deny myself but i don't know how. basically i see it as me helping to make others happy and putting others first no matter what. but i'm still not quite sure how .... any ideas? ideas would be great. because then i can start denying myself sooner so i can learn to be less self-centered and learn to rely on God more and also have a better and happier life. [remember when pastor mac confirmed with mr. cheung about a better life?]

truth: i'm jealous of non christians who are really nice and have patience for/can tolerate me because i know i don't have patience and i can NOT tolerate people.
truth: i strive to be perfect. and i know i can never be and i will never be. [which is why i cannot tolerate others because no one is perfect]
truth: this is the end of my rantings.

come close, listen to a story

i'm going to devote this post to praising my brother and my sister. i'm not sure if i want them to see this or not. but i guess it doesn't matter. if they do, i hope they feel good.

my big brother and sister are really important to me. they have influenced my life so much. since i'm the youngest, everything i do is a mimic of what they used to do. i look up to them so much but i don't think they really know. (and if they read this, then they'll know but i doubt they will read this).

to tell you the truth, i looked up to my big brother more than i did my sister because he was bigger. and he was a boy. i like boys. for real i do. i think they are really cool. that is why i tried to be like a tom boy when i was little. one time josh bought a pair of really cool sneakers that had this jell-like stuff on it and there were really bright colors on it. anyways, my mom didn't really like them because there were so many colors and they just stood out so much. i wanted to be just like josh! so the next time i went to buy shoes, i got these blue sneakers that had lime green on them and there was that same jell-like stuff. i was so happy with my choice. because my mom didn't really like them either. i was just like josh :)

also, josh taught me how to punch someone the right way. you really have to dig those knuckles into their arm. i felt so strong and boyish because josh could punch me really hard and i wouldn't cry. i'd just laugh weakly with teary eyes. and then i would punch him back. he taught me how to play basketball. he also showed me wrestling moves - he practiced on me...but i was happy. because i was like a boy. and i was strong. and cool.

oh yeah i also take fashion tips from my brother. i thought he was so cool when he shopped at abercrombie and fitch. i was so proud of him for being a cool kid. one year, he popped his collar and i was like..wow! so i went and bought a polo shirt and popped mine. the next thing i know, all the preps at school started popping their collars. i was laughing at them because josh knew to do it before them. another thing..my mom takes on after josh as well. she loves being preppy. i think i like that sometimes. but i don't purposely try to be preppy. when i am..well...good for me.

when other boys started putting gel in their hair, i was angry because they were stealing the idea from josh. hmm..maybe not the whole gel idea. but one year, josh realized that he could make the front of his hair stand up without gel. this great idea was called a baseball cap. he just pushed his hair back and slipped on the cap. after an hour or so, his hair stood up naturally. now when this one boy started doing the same thing, i was angry and i secretly called him a josh wannabe.

alright so my sister, i love her and i look up to her. but i think i only started looking up to her and really appreciating her recently..maybe like in the past couple of years. i realized how cool she was. she never gave into peer pressure in high school. she definitely matured much quicker than me or my brother. maybe thats why i didn't really look up to her when i was young. she wasn't as much fun to hang around. i remember ganging up on her with josh. it was so fun to be josh's little sidekick.

my sisters fashion sense was so different from josh's and mine. i guess it still is a little. she always shopped at GAP. she loves that store. her clothing was really really different. it was more sophisticated. and she was also more traditional and conservative i guess. she just sort of skipped over that immature teenager stage. she was never a little girly girl. (i got stuck in that stage with my obsession over the color pink). Christina never went out to buy a two piece bathing suit. she never wore low shirts and never wore short shorts.

The thing that really amazed me about my siblings was how intelligent they were. and how persistent they were. i could never play piano for more than 30 minutes and they would sit on that bench for an hour or two. they were much more skilled than i was. Christina could improvise perfectly in 8th grade..maybe into 9th grade. josh could improvise as well. as for me..i was still horrible at reading music. Christina could pick up a song by ear. thats how she played all her songs. josh was just really good at inventing music and making it sound like a real song. i remember people used to ask him what songs he was playing. well..he wasn't. he was just playing the piano.

my sister loved piano way more than me or my brother. but i loved it least. i was frustrated when my songs came out sounding like crap. Christina played everything she heard. songs from tv shows, movies, church, cds, everything. she introduced so many new songs to me. now this is how my whole post relates to the title. whenever i hear a song..well its good. but i don't love them all. Christina goes home and plays the song over and over again and then i fall in love with it. the song True Love by Phil Wickham is amazing. i really love it. when i first heard it at a concert, i didn't love it so much. in fact, i was annoyed that other artists were playing their music when it was really supposed to be a david crowder concert. i could not wait for phil to stop playing. but i went home and Christina played it over and over and i fell in love with the song. thats how it is with all the songs she plays. i just fall in love with them because by playing it over and over, she stresses them and then i listen to the words and realize how good they are.

Come close listen to the story
about a love more faithful than the morning
The Father gave his only Son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers broken heart
tears were filling heaven's eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn’t move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, The day that true love died

Search your heart you know you can’t deny it
Come on, lose your life just so you can find it
The Father gave his only son just to save us

The earth was shaking in the dark
All creation felt the Fathers broken heart
tears were filling heaven's eyes
The day that true love died, the day that true love died
When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn’t move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, The day that true love died

Now, Jesus is alive

Jesus is alive X4
Oh, He is alive
He rose again

When blood and water hit the ground
Walls we couldn’t move came crashing down
We were free and made alive
The day that true love died, The day that true love died

Come close listen to the story

a story of two neighbors livng in a rural town

so recently, more like yesterday, i was super bored because i had to study for sats. anyways, i started writing this story...or a play. i love plays. because then it seems more like a movie. so i wrote this play. its not near close to done. but i like it so far. so maybe you (since you're already reading my post) might enjoy a five minute break from what you're doing and read my...short play. or my beginning of a short play. so here it is. please let me know how it is. if its boring or whatever... thanks.

it is spring time. this play is set in a rural town where the neighbors live quite far apart. all the families own farms and lots of land. i guess its about 1947.

anne and james are sitting on opposite sides of anne's porch

James: say what a nice day it is ehh? i love this type of weather. when the sun is shining so brightly and there is a cool breeze and there are just a few clouds in the sky.

Anne: yes i must agree with you. it is very nice out.

they sit in silence for a few minutes until anne's mother comes out onto the porch.

Mrs. Couliar: james, how nice it is of you to visit and keep anne company. she's been bored all week and finally she has someone to talk with! anne blushes and James smiles crookedly. james, would you like to stay for lunch?

James: oh thats not necessary mrs. couliar. i should be getting home for lunch as well.

Mrs. Couliar: nonsense! i've made more than enough james, its not a problem. i'll just call up your mother and let her know we're having you for lunch.

James: thank you ma'am.

anne's mother goes inside the house. james looks over at anne just as she turns her head away. he can tell she was just looking at him and he smiles. anne is afraid to look back but she turns her head towards james.

Anne: what?!

James: nothing. he smiles again.

Anne: c'mon lets just go inside for lunch okay?

james doesn't say anything but he follows her inside the house. as they walk through the kitchen, anne's mother is preparing to set the table.

Mrs. Couliar: anne would you mind to set the table for us?

Anne: mother could you wait a minute!

James: oh i can do that mrs. couliar.

Mrs. Couliar: thank you james. anne, please give james a hand will you?

anne helps james finish setting the table and the three of them sit down to eat.

Anne: mother, could you pass the salad?

Mrs. Couliar, correcting anne: may i please.

Anne: may you please pass it?

james chuckles a little which embarrasses anne.

Mrs. Couliar: so how long has it been since your family moved here, james? i can't quite remember.

James: just a little over a two months.

Mrs. Couliar: oh thats right! moved here just after the snow melted away. well that was good timing...

no one makes a remark so she goes on

Mrs. Couliar: so you two see each other at school?

Anne: mother, we're at the same bus stop and since theres only one class for each grade, and we're in the same grade, that means we see each other all day long...

Mrs. Couliar: oh well thats...

Anne, cutting her off: five days a week, or actually six days a week because of church on sundays.

Mrs. Couliar: anne, whats with you and that tone. please get rid of it right away!

Anne: mother...

James, cutting in: mrs. couliar, so my mother tells me that you're planning to put up a shed?

Mrs. Couliar: why yes james! i'm not quite sure how to go about it, but i am planning to. ever since anne's father left well, we haven't had any time. but maybe...

James: yes i can help you. i'm sure my father would love to help as well.

Mrs. Couliar: well theres no need to bother him; i mean hes always away on business trips?

James: well yes, i guess so.

Mrs. Couliar: i am planning to build a shed so we can raise new chickens.

James: i would love to help out.

Mrs. Couliar: why thank you james. you're such a polite and fine young man!

James, blushing a little: thank you ma'am.

Anne: may i be excused for a moment?

Mrs. Couliar: anne, we have a guest here.

Anne: you didn't answer my question. may i please be excused mother?

Mrs. Couliar: anne i think i've made myself clear that...

James, interrupting again: it’s alright. i better get going as well. my mother might need a hand with some things back home. it was a lovely lunch mrs. couliar!

Mrs. Couliar: well alright. it was nice having you over james. i hope we'll see each other again soon!

James: of course. thank you!

Mrs. Coulair: bye james, smiling

james walks towards the door and when mrs. couliar is turned around, anne follows quickly after him.

Anne, calling after him: james!

James: anne.

Anne: i'm sorry you had to see me like that. its just that sometimes she really gets on my nerves.

James: still, i don't think thats any way to treat your mother. she is such a kind woman anne.

Anne: sighs. would you like me to walk you home?

James: well then when we get to my house, wouldn't i need to turn around and walk you home as well?

anne doesn't answer him

James: how about we'll meet tomorrow okay?

Anne: sure. bye james!

James: good afternoon anne.

james smiles and walks away.

the following day is Sunday and mrs. couliar hurries to get ready for church. anne is in the bathroom taking a long time to get ready. when she comes out, her hair is done perfectly and her makeup is also perfect.

Mrs. Couliar: my darling, is there a young man we're trying to impress today?

Anne: no mother, i want to look nice for church.

Mrs. Couliar: who is going to notice what you look like?

Anne: mother, i'm just dressing nice for church alright?!

Mrs. Couliar, chuckling: alright sweetie. now hurry up or else we'll be late.

upon arriving at the church, they quickly find seats in the middle of the room. anne glances around quickly for any sight of james.

Mrs. Couliar: anne, please stop moving, they're about to begin!

Anne: mother i think i need to use the restroom.

Mrs. Couliar: alright but if when you're coming out and we're singing praises, then please stay in the back of the sanctuary until everyone is asked to be seated.

Anne: why is that?

Mrs. Couliar: so you do not interrupt anyone when you are pushing or shoving to get back to your seat.

Anne: mother i don't do that.

Mrs. Couliar: anne please just go if you need to go.

Anne: alright!

anne gets up from her seat and hurries towards that restrooms. from a few rows back, james catches sight of her. he also gets but pretends to go to the restroom. he quietly sits down in the back of the room. as anne walks out of the ladies room, james whispers her name and she turns to find him sitting in the back.

Anne: hi james!

James: shhh! hi anne. you're hair looks nice today.

Anne, blushing a little: thanks james. what are you doing back here?

James: i went to the restroom and now i'm staying back here so i don't bother the people in my row when i'm going back to my seat.

Anne: oh i see.

James: so why don't you sit back here with me.

Anne: okay.

james and anne sit together in the back of the sanctuary until the end of service. anne's mother, who has been wondering where her daughter has gone, sights anne in the back of the sanctuary,

Mrs. Couliar: anne there you are! i didn't mean for you to sit back here for the whole service!

Anne: sorry mother.

James: hello mrs. couliar!

Mrs. Couliar: oh james what a surprise! i didn't see you there for a moment. she turns her attention to anne. anne darling we must hurry home. i have to run a few errands and i was hoping you could watch your little sister when the babysitter leaves.

Anne: okay mother.

James: mrs. couliar, would it be alright if i stopped by and helped anne take care of her sister? i don't think i've met...

Anne: her name is layla.

Mrs. Couliar: sure sure james but we must hurry because the babysitter doesn't like to go over time. c'mon then.

back at home, mrs. couliar pays the babysitter and drives off to run her errands while anne and james stay home to watch layla.

Anne: c'mon layla, lets go play with your toys.

anne and james sit on the floor and watch layla playing.

Layla: toys anne!

James: so how old is layla now?

Anne: layla, tell james how old you are. how old are you layla?

Layla: two?

layla goes back to playing with her toys.

James: hahaha i see. so i guess your father didn't leave so long ago...two years about?

Anne: actually, no. he left us before layla was born. he left almost three years ago. and hes only been back once to visit us because of layla.

James: oh. i'm sorry about that.

Anne: james, theres nothing you should be sorry about. it doesn't really bother me. even when he was still here, he wasn't around all the time. i lived with him for thirteen years and all that time i never really felt like i had a father. he would come and go and sometimes bring me home a little gift or something.

James: you didn't mind that?

Anne: well my grandparents were here so i didn't miss him so much. my pappie and grammie were like parents to me. my mother had to work so pap and gram would watch me all day long. i cried for weeks when they finally left.

James: when did they leave...and why?

Anne: well they were angry at their daughter, my mother, for being so passive with my father. also, they missed their home. they said they would come back to stay with us permanently if my mother and father got a divorce.

James: well your parents are divorced right?

Anne: well yes but pap and gram said they have to first take care of some things before they come back.

James: oh so they are coming back!

Anne: of course! they would never break their word. and also they know layla is still young and they want to help raise her just like they helped to raise me.

James: they did a great job with you.

Anne, blushing: james!

James, laughing a little: i'm just saying!

Layla: anne, layla's tired!

Anne: okay c'mon layla. lets go take a nap alright?

Layla: mhmm

Anne: james could you help me put her toys away into the toy box while i get her into her crib?

James: yeah sure.

outside, mrs.couliar pulls up into the driveway with her car. she takes a few bags of groceries and goes inside the house.

Mrs. Couliar, calling out: anne sweetie, could you help me with the groceries?

Anne: sure mom i'm just getting layla into her crib for a nap!

mrs. couliar goes into the living room and sees james

Mrs. Couliar: oh hi james! babysitting wasn't so tough was it?

James: no not at all ma'am.

Anne, calling out from layla's room: mother, layla won't get into her crib!

Layla's voice: no crib!

Mrs. Couliar: anne, i'll get her into her crib and you can get the groceries okay? thanks.

mrs. couliar goes into layla's room and cradles layla. anne walks toward the front door, on her way to get the groceries.

James: anne, do you want me to help you?

Anne: sure if you'd like.

James: yeah i think i'm done organizing her toy box.

Anne: hahahaa james! all i said was to put her toys into her toy box. not rearrange everything! hahahahaa

James: haha sorry.

anne and james go outside to the car and bring in the groceries. they place them on the counter and can hear mrs. couliar's voice in the background, humming sweetly to layla.

Anne: james, will your mother expect you home at any particular time?

James: hmm, i don't think so. maybe i could give her a call?

Anne: of course.

thanks for reading. thats all i've written so far. please let me know how i can improve it.

just 22 words

i have this red band that says LIFE on it. this is a prolife band. whenever i see it, no matter where i am, what i am doing, what hour of the day it is, i must say the 22 word prayer. this is how it goes:

Jesus, i plead your blood over my sins and the sins of this nation. God, end abortion and send revival to America.

my sister recently went to one thing in Kansas City Missouri. anyways, she told me about what the speakers said and it really amazed me. i felt like they lived in a whole different world from us. my sister returned and i felt that she just came back from the most interesting place ever.

there are people who devote their whole lives to God and to prayer. they live down there with their families and their children grow up in an environment where everyone really loves Jesus.
my sister said some of the kids who were no older than 10 were praying in front of everyone and they were really praying. it wasn't one of those children prayers like: "Dear Lord Jesus, thank You for dying on the cross for me. Amen. "

i'm not saying these children are better than other children. i'm just saying how different environments can really affect the way we grow up. little children prayers are very important too. God listens to them all and treats their prayers the same way he treats the prayers of great influential people.

i don't know that i would want to go to ihop because i don't know that i'm ready for that type of devotion. its really hardcore stuff. there is this prayer room going on 24/7 and its really amazing. i was listening to it the other day and the leaders just play what they play and sing songs, sing their prayers, sing whatever is on their minds. their love for God is amazing. it really is.

theres one last thing. about this 2008 election: one speaker was saying that God will not allow a pro choice leader lead our country. you know why? its because the babies who are dying everyday from abortion are His babies. He loves them and mourns over them when they are destroyed.

For each baby that is destroyed, God will get back at us through something else. If person A kills a baby through abortion, then after a few generations, person A's relative will die as well through some other way...very likely WAR. war as in war with iraq. war with any country. see how so many people are dying?

thats all i have. thanks for reading.

p.s. i love you

today i watched p.s. i love you and it was the saddest, best movie ever aside from how to lose a guy in 10 days, maid in Manhattan, and the wedding planner.