i can only imagine

let's just say today was not an ideal day.

i overslept and woke up around 11:30pm, took a shower, ate sponge cake and an apple for lunch, realized i missed the bus to go apple picking with real life (i had been looking forward to this event ALL WEEK), ended up watching two movies: "28 days" and "the proposal", ate dinner in my room around 4:30, did a little hw, etc. i literally did not step one foot outside my building.

it might not seem so, but staying inside all day is pretty depressing. i've been in my pajamas and sitting in my chair.

this past Sunday (10-10-10), my pastor talked about "Church". this was an interesting sermon because recently in a core meeting, someone brought up the question of "why do we go to church?" if someone asked you why YOU go to church, or why THEY should go to church, what would you say? part of the reason i go to church is for community - though that's not all the church offers. we were created and designed to live as one body in community. and when we're alone, we feel lonely, like something is wrong or off. (though spending time alone sometimes to reflect and clear our heads is good too.) i guess today just felt like a wasted day and i realized just how important community is. there was an experiment done to show this. the lifespan of a smoker living in a close knit community was significantly longer than a healthy person living on his/her own. you could conclude that it is better to smoke and live in a community than eat healthy and live alone. (but seriously, just live a healthy life surrounded by those you love.)

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

can't always get what you want

I feel like I am looking and searching for opportunities but they are not showing up. I try to create opportunities for myself and they end up failing. I want to know what God wants me to do, and I want answers now. But I can't simply ask for answers; nothing is that simple. I just wish that there was someone who could tell me what to do and how to do it. I wish I could just make up my mind. I wish things were easier.

our love will be loud

where has the time gone? summer has flown by and what did i do in these past three and a half months?

by the end of this week, i'll be all packed and ready to head off to New Hampshire for Summit - InterVarsity's retreat. i hate the idea that i'm going straight from the retreat to boston, and moving back on campus. it scares me to death because there is all this uncertainty. in a way, i feel like a baby because i don't want to leave my family and my home, where i feel secure. but staying at home, i can't do much - i don't do much.

i suppose the one thing i regret this summer is not going out into the community and spreading God's love. though i didn't get a job, i could have found an organization to volunteer with. i could have hung out with my non-Christian friends more and introduced them to the Lord. i could have helped keep my brothers and sisters accountable. but i can't let these things hold me back. if anything, i've learned that i have to take every opportunity and chance i get to witness to others and be an example for them, just as Christ is an example for me, for us.

anyways, i'd just like to share this song. i think it is really powerful. i first heard it this past year either at church or at fellowship. hope you enjoy it!

there is more

growing up as a christian i've always known that yes, Jesus loves me, and he is God in human form, who came to die for me and wash away my sins. i am renewed and i am reborn. but maybe that was it.

i remember going on retreats with my youth group and feeling a spiritual high after a great weekend. or feeling so new and alive in Christ after being baptized. i remember feeling in the "right" place with God and feeling spiritual growth - especially during mission trips. it was as if nothing else mattered.

however, this good feeling has been missing for a long time. i can't remember the last time someone asked me, "how is your walk with God?" and i answered them, "it's great! He has revealed so many good things to me." what i can remember is telling everyone that i am not growing or falling away from God. if my spiritual growth was drawn out on a chart or graph, there would be this horizontal line going on forever.

at my home church, we have this college fellowship called empower. in the past few weeks, we've been reading and discussing Win Christ, a book written by Rick S. Bell. i love his book because it is easy to understand and the pages are filled with ways to grow spiritually.

we have also listened to a few sermons by Francis Chan, a pastor at cornerstone church in California. i knew about Francis Chan and i visited his church a few years ago with my family. however, i never realized how great a speaker he is. his sermons are so crazy good - i feel like i learn a thousand things in just one sermon. i am constantly gaining new knowledge about God. if i had a notebook with me, i'd be scribbling frantically. his words are so true and so real. i do not know how else to describe it - you should go listen for yourself. i'm inspired.

i always thought that i knew who God is and i can picture who he is. the fact is, i will never understand him completely and i will never be able to grasp just how great he is. nobody can. he is set apart from us.

He is definitely revealing new things to me now and i am now more open to receive him and trust the holy spirit working in me.

forever

i've been at home for a good few weeks now - though it feels like forever. it has been just about a month since finals ended, can you believe that?! freshmen year definitely flew by quickly. i don't know how i feel about it all. i can still remember a few nights where i decided to pull an all-nighter...but i couldn't. and i still have yet to pull one. maybe even just for fun. i remember all the random sleepovers and midnight snacks. i remember being scared of the dark - especially walking home from stuvi after 11pm by myself. i remember playing bang, mafia, settlers, one frog, and many other fun games. i remember spending way too much money on eating out - and i still ran out of meals at the end of the year. i remember shopping trips, trips to the museum, and trips to see famous groups.

it was all a lot of fun and excitement. but now that i'm at home, i am bored out of my mind. all i want to do is find work. i guess being back home has been kind of dull. so many of my friends are traveling and others live in different states. i don't really want to go out and spend money because i have no money to spend. and the truth is, i don't want to grow up. once you grow up, you will be working all the time and you won't have time to spend with your friends. but i suppose you do have weekends. the grown up life seems so boring. i want to be forever young. how fun would that be? and i want a dog.